I am not a completely confident person. Not when it comes to how I am perceived. Mostly, I have a negative view. I am alone. Not just alone, but lonely. The strength it takes to carry on when your husband / partner is away for long periods of time can strip you of strength in other areas. That can leave you feeling very vulnerable. Some have taken advantage of this. It hurts when you discover that you have been duped.
I am not alone in my self loathing. It is extremely hard to carry on when you feel the world is against you and that if you step out of your door, that people might be staring at you and pointing fingers. Some have got through it by hiding, some by facing it head on and some have not actually made it through at all. Not all are women. I wish I could have helped them but it is hard to see people's pain when they hide it under a smile. To those people I want to say I love you. I understand your pain even though it is difficult to talk about it and I am here if you need to.
It has also been very difficult to write when we have lost four young heroes from our regiment. All were either friends or acquaintances of my husband. They were therefore dear to me and all of us have been shocked by it. Not much more I can say about that.
"And so he stood upon the hill and turned to face his brothers, sword in hand and with a heavy heart. We shall not forget his sacrifice."
My marriage is getting better. We have many things to work on but the love we have, and the family have built is worth staying together. Our time apart is nearly at an end and I just wait to hear that he is safe. When he returns I hope that we have not grown apart. That the experience of the last 8 months has not pushed us in different directions. That we can still talk. That we still have things to talk about. I will be here and will probably tell you more than I really want to. I do hope it wont make me run and hide away.
