I am not a completely confident person. Not when it comes to how I am perceived. Mostly, I have a negative view. I am alone. Not just alone, but lonely. The strength it takes to carry on when your husband / partner is away for long periods of time can strip you of strength in other areas. That can leave you feeling very vulnerable. Some have taken advantage of this. It hurts when you discover that you have been duped.
I am not alone in my self loathing. It is extremely hard to carry on when you feel the world is against you and that if you step out of your door, that people might be staring at you and pointing fingers. Some have got through it by hiding, some by facing it head on and some have not actually made it through at all. Not all are women. I wish I could have helped them but it is hard to see people's pain when they hide it under a smile. To those people I want to say I love you. I understand your pain even though it is difficult to talk about it and I am here if you need to.
It has also been very difficult to write when we have lost four young heroes from our regiment. All were either friends or acquaintances of my husband. They were therefore dear to me and all of us have been shocked by it. Not much more I can say about that.
"And so he stood upon the hill and turned to face his brothers, sword in hand and with a heavy heart. We shall not forget his sacrifice."
My marriage is getting better. We have many things to work on but the love we have, and the family have built is worth staying together. Our time apart is nearly at an end and I just wait to hear that he is safe. When he returns I hope that we have not grown apart. That the experience of the last 8 months has not pushed us in different directions. That we can still talk. That we still have things to talk about. I will be here and will probably tell you more than I really want to. I do hope it wont make me run and hide away.
Soph...
ReplyDeleteI have also been in a very dark place recently, as I am sure you have gathered. We need to be strong when times get hard, and also call upon those that support us, whether it be in el or the virtual world.
I have hidden my situation from the real world because I felt embarrassed and possibly ashamed about what went on, but the virtual world was always there to support me - you included.
If there is anything I can ever do for you, a listening ear, etc... Please come to me. Support counts, as you will have seen from my page this evening... So many people to thank for their support.
xx
You're words bring back vivid memories, i suffered similar problems, i seldom strayed from my flat for a number of years.
ReplyDeleteIn recent times i have become one to face it head on, and this has worked for me thankfully.
If you get the chance have a read at my blog if you want it's on my facebook and twitter account. And i'm always on messenger pls feel free to chat i can be backwards at starting a conversation, but always around to lend an ear.
I am positive you can overcome it, but now i send u a virtual hug xxx Andy