Having my cake

When I was little, I decided that I wanted my Mummy to stay at home and be there for me when I came home from school. That didn't happen. What did happen was that she went back to work as a teacher at the school I went to and then she was there all day for me.

Lucky me.

I loved my childhood. Of course, I want the same thing for my children also. I just haven't got the passion to become a teacher and so my kids are going to have a very different childhood than I did. Not that this could be avoided anyway; my husband is in the Armed Forces and so he is away much of the time.  Very different again to my experience. My dad was also a Teacher until I left school and so School Holidays were always very centered around home and family.

I started work last Monday. It was amazing to be able to feel the freedom of being myself. To use my brain again. To leave the family home and do something only I knew about. Wow. How liberated it felt. It still does.

People (friends and family) have very varied opinions about whether I should be working rather than looking after the children. Fine. Whatever they think is up to them but I was actually becoming a destructive person to be around. I was cross and upset and my confidence in my abilities had bottomed out.  It is GOOD for me to be back at work and if people don't agree then tough luck.

I have three fabulous children and an incredibly supportive husband. We have problems, of course we do, but they are becoming less and less now that I have my own identity again.

Deciding on childcare for Moo was not difficult. I did not have a choice. It was actually an emergency procedure. I had to take the first place I found with available space. I made the right choice there too. He LOVES everything about his creche. He does not cry when I leave him, he eats all his food and he is in an outstandingly good mood every evening when I go to collect him. i haven't seen him this satisfied in a while. It is of course expensive but I would do it for my entire wage as long as he is happy.

My oler two boys are experiencing new things too with my being at work.  They are given much more space and time to choose what they want to do without coming to mummy to ask what they should do (I hate that).  Time together with them will be, and already is, much more precious and I appreciate it so much more.

I may not sit down until 10pm every night of the week but that will probably improve as I let myself take it easier about what I need to achieve each day. I am getting my ability to 'REMEMBER things' back.

I am now me again. I love it. I think I might even start to love myself again too.  I hope it doesn't end too quickly or I may be here typing a rather different story next time.

Being a person of conviction. Or not.

Happy 2010 everyone. Really, seriously, I mean it. I sometimes feel as though I am being pushed to say it out of politeness but I could not mean it more this time.  A friend of mine lives in the USA and she has four beautiful children. She and her family are very religious people and she is one of the most wonderful people you could ever wish to meet. She is smart, funny, beautiful, fit and healthy, has a wonderful husband and has found her way in life even though she is miles away from her family and moves on a regular basis.  I envy her. She messaged me the other day to say how much she wishes me to have a wonderful new year with more success than I could handle. She thanks God in everything she does. It is really special to see how her faith has brought her happiness and success.

It got me to thinking; why do we let other people influence the way we think so much? This friend of mine believes what she believes no matter what, and is not afraid to tell people about it. No matter what you think about the subject itself, that is a very special quality to have. I don't have that. I am easily swayed to be less than vocal about my beliefs. I know that this is a very British trait. It's a shame to have to be like that. There is nothing wrong about having religion. It is important to believe in something. And I think I do, but that is hardly a conviction is it?  My husband is Agnostic. He refuses to believe anything that cannot be proven, even if it cannot be disproven.  God and Dinosaurs (argues about what we know about them) are big obstacles for him. (I know, the whole Dinosaurs issue is a bit mad but he does make some good points!).

I WANT to believe in God and Jesus (if I could travel back in time I would definately choose Jesus as my person I most want to meet) and be the person I want to be but actually, I am lacking the evidence and think I have rather let myself down along the way too.  I have been very disappointing.  I have made enough bad decisions to appear to be a complete hypocrit. 

I don't know what my point is today other than, I wish I had a bit more conviction. I didn't send any Christmas Cards this year because i don't like doing it and didn't want to be forced into it because it is the done thing. I want this year to be my year of change. I want to be better at making decisions for myself and not having people make my mind up for me. For goodness sakes, i am a grown woman. And I will wish you a Happy New Year because I actually want you to have a good year too. but don't ask me to say it again until 2011 because I don't want to.