Being a person of conviction. Or not.

Happy 2010 everyone. Really, seriously, I mean it. I sometimes feel as though I am being pushed to say it out of politeness but I could not mean it more this time.  A friend of mine lives in the USA and she has four beautiful children. She and her family are very religious people and she is one of the most wonderful people you could ever wish to meet. She is smart, funny, beautiful, fit and healthy, has a wonderful husband and has found her way in life even though she is miles away from her family and moves on a regular basis.  I envy her. She messaged me the other day to say how much she wishes me to have a wonderful new year with more success than I could handle. She thanks God in everything she does. It is really special to see how her faith has brought her happiness and success.

It got me to thinking; why do we let other people influence the way we think so much? This friend of mine believes what she believes no matter what, and is not afraid to tell people about it. No matter what you think about the subject itself, that is a very special quality to have. I don't have that. I am easily swayed to be less than vocal about my beliefs. I know that this is a very British trait. It's a shame to have to be like that. There is nothing wrong about having religion. It is important to believe in something. And I think I do, but that is hardly a conviction is it?  My husband is Agnostic. He refuses to believe anything that cannot be proven, even if it cannot be disproven.  God and Dinosaurs (argues about what we know about them) are big obstacles for him. (I know, the whole Dinosaurs issue is a bit mad but he does make some good points!).

I WANT to believe in God and Jesus (if I could travel back in time I would definately choose Jesus as my person I most want to meet) and be the person I want to be but actually, I am lacking the evidence and think I have rather let myself down along the way too.  I have been very disappointing.  I have made enough bad decisions to appear to be a complete hypocrit. 

I don't know what my point is today other than, I wish I had a bit more conviction. I didn't send any Christmas Cards this year because i don't like doing it and didn't want to be forced into it because it is the done thing. I want this year to be my year of change. I want to be better at making decisions for myself and not having people make my mind up for me. For goodness sakes, i am a grown woman. And I will wish you a Happy New Year because I actually want you to have a good year too. but don't ask me to say it again until 2011 because I don't want to.